So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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