You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
