I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Im part way to drunk.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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