dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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