You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Of course I have a pirate flag
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
