I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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