you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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