Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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