I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
