Your face is a jimmy john
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize