Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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