i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
