its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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