Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
