When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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