After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize