My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
