omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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