Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
