the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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