I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
