RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
