i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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