I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
