I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Randomize
