does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
