on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
