i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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