i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
