I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
