Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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