oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize