I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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