you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
