Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
