so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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