Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
