He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
