you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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