The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
