I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Randomize
