420 ftw
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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