if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize