I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize