Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
