I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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