Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
