Got a toothbrush?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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