I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
