I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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