I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize