Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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