do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
