she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
