So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
