I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
