I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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