Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
