You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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