I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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