there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
