He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
the liver wants what the liver wants
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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