He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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