I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
