Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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