I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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