After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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