i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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