I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Someone shit on the floor
worst night to have a conscience
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize