Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
