4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
